life with prayer

My husband and I have made praying together a priority in our new marriage.

(On a significant side note, I’m no longer a Kruvand! I became Rebekah Neely on March 24^th, 2012!! Marrying Dillon was truly a dream come true and an awesome gift from the Lord. I am so excited to begin this new chapter together!)

Back to thoughts on prayer…

Dillon and I have been making it a point to pray together in the mornings after breakfast, and something I’ve noticed more so than ever is that prayer stirs me into action. The more I make it a priority to pray about situations, circumstances and people in my life, the more I notice the everyday opportunities God brings me. The more I notice these opportunities, the more likely I am to initiate when these moments occur and and the more likely I am to step out in faith to discover what God is doing in people’s hearts and lives!

This is only one aspect of prayer that causes me to love praying with God! When I pray, I not only feel connected and intimate with Jesus, but likewise with my husband (or the person I’m praying with). I also feel 100x more effective than when I’m on my own! Personal intimacy with Jesus is vital for me, but the intimacy found in being with community (e.g. praying with my husband) is just as important.

I believe these thoughts and feelings ring true to God’s word. Jesus says in Matthew 18:20: “Where two or three have gathered in My name, I am there in their midst.” Jesus is in my midst when I pray!

And God reveals in Deuteronomy 32:30 that one man can chase 1,000, but two can put 10,000 to flight. No wonder I “feel” more effective when I’m praying with someone else! Doing things “together” speaks to me about the mind and heart of God. He brings much joy and strength to me through relationships – relationship with Himself, relationship with my husband and relationships with the church community, the body of Christ.

More thoughts to come…

homeland security

When I say, “I am at home here,” what I mean is: I am secure. I am in such a state where I am free from danger or risk… a state in which I experience freedom from anxiety or doubt… a state in which I possess well-founded confidence.

No matter where I am in life, physically or geographically speaking, the truth of Jesus Christ = I am always able to say “I’m at home here.”

I don’t always feel at home though, and I definitely don’t always feel secure. As a matter of fact, certain relationships regularly challenge my sense of security. Some days I feel about as secure as dust in the wind. My focus shifts ever-so-slightly off the One who has given His life for my soul. I begin looking at my circumstances and surroundings, or perhaps that challenging relationship. All of a sudden I’m feeling “not at home here” and I find myself rushing to anything that will bring me a sense of “being at home,” a sense of security.

In these moments my identity runs into non-permanent, fading things… sometimes it’s my career, sometimes it’s my performance or success, sometimes it’s my friends approval, etc, etc. These things quickly, sharply fail to anchor my identity and bring me the security I’m desperately grabbing for.

BUT JESUS faithfully and lovingly reminds me that He is my one and only source of security. He reminds me that He is the only source and foundation for my identity. He is my constant, everlasting Homeland Security, and He frees me to travel abroad regardless of how I feel.

The bible is full of the assurance of God. It’s full of the Truth that causes us to run to the one and only Jesus Christ. Here are just a few tidbits to ponder on:

Ephesians 3:12, “In Him and through faith in Him we may approach God with freedom and confidence.”

Romans 8:38-39, “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

how to save a life

Hello blog world. This is pt.4 of an ongoing series recording my journey through healing and freedom from bitterness. Read my previous posts here.

I’m still dealing with bitterness. Bitterness… that which is bitter. The word feels heavy on my tongue… compounded like layers of solid rock, heavy on my heart. Bitterness from past hurts: some self-inflicted pain (i.e. my own sin against God), some wounds caused by others (i.e. sin done against me).

The deeper I dive into relationship with God, the more He reveals His deep love for me. Part of His love in this season of my life is being demonstrated through His bringing bitterness to the surface of my heart: unforgiveness, resentment, false expectations… all things that are preventing me from loving others, things that are preventing me from walking in all the freedom that God offers, things that rob me from the joy of Jesus Christ.

Sometimes I wonder how I got here… 27 years and so much has happened. God reminds me He knows How to Save a Life.

One time in the ER, I had 8 stitches put into a deep cut in my foot without anything to numb the pain. First the wound had to be cleaned to remove bacteria. I then watched as the doctor threaded a needle in and out of the area, 16 times back and forth to close the wound. My friend grabbed my hand and I held onto it as hard as I knew how. I didn’t say a word… the hot tears rolling out of my eyes said more than any words could. I remember my friend speaking words of consolation to me. I remember the Dr. encouraging me through the process, telling me I was doing a great job… telling me I was brave, telling me I was strong.

I was thankful for the hand of my friend that day. I held on like I’d never let go. I was thankful for the Dr.’s smile, his kindness and his words as he performed the painful task, a task that was absolutely necessary in order for my healing. I didn’t question the Dr.’s intention.

But I have questioned God’s intention. As He cleans the wounds of my heart, absolutely necessary in order for my healing, I’ve questioned why He is doing so, and at times I’ve even pulled away from Him because of the pain. Then I wonder why I find it hard to hear His voice.

Sometimes in the midst of great pain it’s difficult to hear words of consolation. We hear the tone and the volume of a comforting voice, we feel the hands holding ours like they’ll never let go, we sense the presence of those who love us around us… but the impact of the pain can drown out the comfort and overwhelm us.

In the dead of night it’s hard to imagine the brightness of the sun, but the light always comes in the morning. The promise of relief always comes with Jesus. It comes in waves, it comes in the morning. Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning -Psalm 30:5.

For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under Heaven … a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance… -Ecclesiastes 3

back to the start

Earlier this year I began writing about bitterness. I consider this post to be part 3 of an ongoing series.

Since my first two posts, God has pointed out where I’m still “the walking wounded” in areas of my heart. He has also pointed out that not all the bitterness and resentment I’ve been harboring is my own fault. “Yes, I take responsibility for my sins” (which are many); and at the same time “yes, I have been sinned against; I have been wounded” in the process.

As a single woman, I have found God to be a good God; a good Doctor, a good Healer… He pulls off my bandages gently, one at a time. He eases the burning and all my hot tears with His loving hands and steady eyes. He draws near to me when I lash out against Him and all His healing efforts. He does this mostly through the love of others.

Since I’ve come to repentance with Jesus and entered the healing process, there have been many painful times. Just when I think I’ve arrived, off comes another layer of the bandage. Lately the layers draw nearer and deeper into the core of my wounds. I find it difficult.

It seems easier to shut-down, tune-out, run away, hide, ignore, keep numb… to part from God. I have believed this at times in my life, times when I have not trusted Him.

It’s true: I can choose not to have my wounds treated. Left alone they become infected, spreading disease throughout my entire body, sucking the life out of my soul until it ends me completely. Or, I allow God to treat them… the process is just as painful, but through it I find a hope for healing and life to be gained. God reminds me of this again and again, and reminds me that the choice is all mine.

As I grow to know Him, I choose Jesus more and more. I choose to go back to the beginning with God. Sometimes I have to make and re-make this choice daily; and yet every time I do so, He displays His love and mercy and faithfulness time and time again. I become whole.

This song captures the essence of what I’m trying to express better than my words ever could. Give it a listen. Think about it… which way do you choose?

Nobody ever said it was easy; but they did say it was worth it.

the walking dead

Somebody has a bad case of the Mondays …and Tuesdays, and Wednesdays, and Thursdays …how much longer ’til the weekend ALREADY?!?!

Have you ever been here? Have you ever had these thoughts? I sure have …and quite recently too!

Last Monday rolled around, and I rolled out of bed, into my work clothes, down the stairs, into my car… only to come to a complete halt on the highway in the Monday morning traffic jam:

“Days like these I’ve got nothing to sing about. Days like these I don’t know what I think about. Days like these, who would have known…”

It’s true. I have days like these. In what can sometimes seem like a mundane, monotonous, over-scheduled, routine life, I allow this so-subtle “living for the weekend; let me just get through the day” attitude take-over my soul.

I begin living for the end of the work-day. I begin living for the end of the work-week. Wait, let me re-phrase: I stop living and start dying.

“You can lose your soul in the concrete river bed, rolling with the flow of the current of the walking dead. Five O’clock comes and you’re a rolling stone…”

With this attitude, with this perspective on life, I send my soul into a coma… and I’ve found I don’t need a 9-5 for this to happen. I become like the walking dead.

I am reminded of the truth: Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.

Monday morning traffic jam: I could use Christ’s light right about now. So I speak truth to my soul… as a matter of fact, I YELL truth to my soul: WAKE UP SOUL. WHAT ARE YOU LIVING FOR? WHERE HAS YOUR HEART GONE? FOR GOD’S SAKE AND YOUR VERY OWN, WAKE UP REBEKAH!

Christ’s light jolts me to life: like a much-needed defibrillator, truth reminds me of His love, and I am reminded of His mission.

Look carefully how you walk [soul], not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of [your] time [soul], because the days are evil -Ephesians 5:15

–pt.2 ok, so where is the joy?

^“Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy” -Proverbs 14:9-11

In pt.1 of my last blog, I wrote about how God has convicted me of bitterness and the choice that comes to either ignore it or get rid of it. So I’ve said “yes” to God, “please remove this horrible bitterness; I want Your joy” …and yet 24 hours later, I discover it’s still here.

“Where is Your joy Lord? didn’t I agree? didn’t I respond to Your conviction?” It’s surely not upon me; it’s not coming through in any of my relationships. As a matter of fact, I’m feeling worse off than I did before I acknowledged I wanted the exchange… “now what God?”

^“See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled” -Hebrews 12:15

Now I’m even more convicted than I was before. This root is still in my heart, and it has caused me trouble indeed. In the last 24 hours I’ve managed to take my pain out on others. My heart aches more and more, because I do the things I don’t want to do. I repent. I ask forgiveness. I receive grace.

There is a reason the writer of Hebrews uses the word root to describe bitterness of the heart. A root refers to the part of a plant that digs deep into the ground, providing an anchor, a stronghold for the part which springs up out of the soil. Some roots are easily pulled up, others require digging… some grow so deep you need heavy duty equipment just to start the task of removal! Apparently this root of mine requires more than a simple tug. That’s because this bitter root is buried far into my past, with layers upon layers of broken experience, if you will.

So what am I going to do? I read James 5:16 and God speaks: “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.”

This is where the beauty of living in community comes in, and I thank God that I was never made to live without relationships. I confess my sin to those I trust.. I receive prayer.. strongholds in my life are broken and my heart is set free.. I’m free to experience God’s joy and free to love others the way Christ does.

To be continued…

what do you want from me? –pt.1

“What do you want from me? what do you want from me now… WHAT NOW? what MORE do you want from me now God?!”

This is a question I’ve asked God many times out of fear, frustration, bitter pain. And many times I’ve responded without giving Him an opportunity to answer: “Why can’t you just leave me alone? Just leave me alone God, because I don’t want to go there with You. Actually, don’t even answer my question, just leave me alone.”

I cop an attitude and shrug it off. The shrapnel is fine where it’s lodged. I’ve gone numb in those places of my heart and can’t feel anything, so just leave it alone God… don’t touch it.

Past sin shredded my heart; its shrapnel lingers. I forget it’s there until like a bad splinter, I move in a certain way or someone bumps it… then the pain sends a bitter shock through my body, and I wrestle with wanting it removed or just remaining numb.

If it stays, that area of my heart remains “untouchable,” effecting every single aspect of my life, every relationship I’m in. I’m unable to share, give or use that part. Worse than that, the numbness gives way in my flesh to bitterness and poisons my soul. In the end I hurt myself, and I hurt others more.

On Friday, I stepped on one such land mine memory from my past, and the illumination that only relationship brings revealed deep, deep shrapnel. I chose to listen this time as God answered: “It’s not what I want FROM you, Rebekah… it’s what I want FOR you. Do you trust me?”

Pain, hurt, frustration all give way to pride. Am I willing to be vulnerable with God? I know Him to be a good, kind, merciful, loving God… and yet Satan wields tainted past experience and hurls lies in my direction, causing me to question God’s goodness, His intentions, His love for me… and the love of others as well.

Just like a painful splinter, removing shrapnel in my heart makes way for relief, healing and freedom in my life. Why wouldn’t I want Him to remove it when I run into it?

Goodbye bitterness. Hello joy.

To be continued…

gifts & lights

There have been many gifts over the last 26 years, but every good and perfect gift in my life has come from my God, my Maker… the Lover of my soul.

The difference between a gift, and a good and perfect gift resides in the Giver. Some gifts last a life-time, others blaze bright into eternity. Some gifts light up the moment, others fuel the torch that is the soul…

^“Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow” (James 1:17).

On Sunday night, a dear friend and I re-discovered what a true pleasure it is to look up at the night sky… the moon, the stars… all yellow portals, burning other-worldly against a dark, black blanket. What a gift it is to take a breath and gaze up at the heavens, and to know the God who placed them there… the Father of lights, the Maker of every.. good.. thing.

“Look at the stars… look how they shine for you, and everything you do… they were all yellow.”

A friend shared this version of Coldplay’s Yellow, and it’s perhaps one of the most loveliest songs I’ve ever heard… enjoy.

allow me to introduce…

…myself?

How will the world (i.e. my neighbors, my co-workers, my classmates) ever come to know the testimony, power and good news of Jesus Christ in my life if I never take the step of introducing myself?

I’ve pondered this question in my mind and heart…

Do I need permission to introduce myself to other people? Oftentimes in situations where I’m surrounded by strangers, my soul is gripped with the “fear of man.” Too many times I refrain from initiating conversation with others because I seem to feel I need their permission to introduce myself… “Go ahead Rebekah. I won’t reject you or your story.”

In reality, I only seek to accommodate my insecurity.

The truth is I’m already allowed, freed and secured by the blood of Jesus Christ, to share my story with the world: “For God has not given [me] a spirit of timidity (fear), but of power and love and discipline” (2 Timothy 1:7).

God’s truth = perspective shift = attitude change: EXPECT me to introduce myself. Because I would love to hear your story world, and when the opportunity presents itself, I am secured in Christ to share my own.

let my YES be YES

This week I’ve been pondering Matthew 5:37, “Let your statement be ‘yes’ or ‘no’; anything beyond these is of evil.”

“Yes” or “no” …I find them to be simple words to say, but words whose meanings have had profound impacts on my life. To “grant permission” or “to deny” …that has been the question.

I’ve discovered (by the grace of God) that I’m really good at saying “yes” to things… yes to people, yes to tasks, yes to making commitments… and not so good at saying “no.” Matter of fact, I’ve gotten SO good at saying “yes,” that I’ve come to question whether “no” still exists in my spoken vocabulary!

This week especially, I’ve realized that I am completely over-committed. It’s been quite humbling, as I’ve been failing in the commitments I’ve made (i.e. things I’ve said “yes” to). I’ve forgotten to call people when I’ve said I would, I’ve had to request extensions on projects I’ve said I would complete, I’ve had to apologize for not being places I’ve said I’d be. I’ve realized that my “yes” has lost it’s meaning. My word has become no good, because it does not mean to others what it’s meant to.

God has been gracious enough to convict me about the need for balance in my life, the need to be able to say “no” once in awhile. When I’m over committed, when I’ve allowed my “yes” to become meaningless, everyone suffers.

The beauty of it all, is that through this process, I’ve received grace from God in the midst of failure. I’ve come to acknowledge and admit that I’ve indeed failed (something I’ve not been comfortable with for a good part of my life). I’ve come to make apology for doing so. I’ve come to humble myself before the Lord… and ya’ know what? It’s been INCREDIBLY FREEING! It’s WONDERFUL to know that God finds perfection in Jesus Christ, not Rebekah Kruvand.

Until next time, let my spoken word be what it’s meant to be: let my YES be YES!